Sometimes I look at some books on my shelf and I get so mad. When I’m feeling light, confident, and grounded, I buy books that let me connect deeper to myself. Books that open my mind, make me learn more, dive deeper into life’s questions, and explore the hard things in life.
But when I’m not feeling that way, sometimes they’re the last thing I want to pick up.
Like right now. I’m actually mad at a book today. And yes, it’s Martha Beck. Martha, you’re my queen, but also sometimes you’re the last thing I want to deal with.
It is so hard to be in that state all of the time. And it is especially hard when I get angry when I leave that place of curiosity, centeredness, and calmness that I claim is my “best” state of mind.
And it’s especially, especially hard when I believe my life’s work, such as my writing, is built around me staying in that “best” state.
So no, Martha, I don’t want to unpack all of my deepest fears in your workbook right now.
It is, of course, understandably frustrating to want to be at your “best” self all of the time when we believe that there are two different versions of ourselves. When we believe our best self is the one who never gets mad, always stays centered, always thinks through every possible thing before we speak, always makes the best decision for ourselves, considers everyone else in the world, is kind to all living beings, never causes any harm, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…
What complete and utter bullshit we’ve absorbed.
Here’s the truth: there is no other version of you. No higher, better, completely perfect version of yourself that you need to become in this lifetime. By thinking that’s true, you are already shaming the you today, the you that you are 99.99% percent of the time.
There is you, and there is you.
Self-willing ourselves to be our “best” selves all the time is a disaster waiting to happen, since that self simply doesn’t exist.
Sometimes I have to clean the gunk out of my shower drain and get annoyed. Sometimes I get stressed from surface-level work issues. Sometimes I worry if I’m capable of committing and loving someone else for the rest of my life. Sometimes others get hurt from my actions.
You are meant to be a mess, angry, sad, distant, jealous, unfocused, anxious, stressed, or whatever it is you are feeling. You are meant to make mistakes, learn, and grow, as does every living thing on earth. We evolved on this planet this way – it’s worked for a reason. You are meant to be here with alllllllll of the messiness that we see in ourselves.
Forests are messy. Oceans are messy. But they are still designed perfectly. There is no waste within nature.
Nothing about you is a waste.
That anger within you is just as wise as the peace within you. That anger shows us something true: what we don’t want to see in the moment. The more angry we are, the more something needs to change in our lives. Anger shows us what we have outgrown. Anger is our path to our truer self, not our best self.
So let’s be mad at our books, our work, ourselves – whatever we need to feel.
Just as the trees get red with anger right before they let go of what they had outgrown.
Ali Walks Around 