Revelation: I feel the most connected to myself when I feel sad.
After I’ve gone through a really hard time.
I realized this last night when I was thinking back to 2022 & 2023 and why I was so content with myself and life.
It’s because 2022 was such a hard & sad year for me.
I was struggling with an eating disorder and existential crisis in 2022, and my sadness sparked me to take action.
I volunteered at a ranch where I knew no one, lived in the middle of nowhere, and spoke a whole new language I didn’t know very well.
I walked miles every day with blisters and terrible soreness, sleeping in rooms of 100 people while doing the Camino de Santiago.
Even though I was so uncomfortable sometimes, I felt connected to myself.
Then late last year, I felt that contentment again, but only after I struggled for about a month going through a difficult break-up with someone I really loved.
Despite feeling lost, sad, and worried about where I was going to live next, I packed up my things, moved out, and traveled for a few weeks.
I moved around hostels, spent time alone in nature, and slowly came back to myself again.
What I’ve learned from these experiences is that it’s not despite the uncomfortability that I took action and grew closer to myself again, but rather because of the uncomfortability I put myself in.
Because of the sadness I chose to feel, I found myself again.
Last night, I realized that when I felt disconnected and unsatisfied was when life seemed to be “too good,” like when I pretended that everything was perfect.
When I pretend that I’ve made all the right choices.
When I tell myself that I’m supposed to be joyful.
But when I go through painful times, that joy actually comes naturally.
I look at sunsets and see them.
I feel more nostalgic and want to take more pictures.
I respond to questions more slowly and with a more human response.
I can do things that scare me more easily.
I realized this last night while reading Dopamine Nation, a phenomenal disclosure about dopamine and our society’s addiction to pleasure.
What I learned is that pain attracts pleasure, and pleasure attracts pain.
This means that if we sink into the sadness and feel the pain, we will feel pleasure, or dopamine (hence why joy came more easily to me when I was sad).
Pain, in this case, can actually prevent future pain from happening.
However, we naturally and instinctually don’t want to inflict pain on ourselves, and rightfully so.
In order to find this pain, we have to intellectually remember that peace will come after a bit of pain and intentionally do something slightly more challenging or uncomfortable than we are used to.
Little challenges. Little pains.
Like turning the water cold for a minute at the end of your shower.
Eating slowly and taking a sip of water between bites.
Joining the group that you feel anxious about.
Waking up at the alarm and not hitting snooze.
Working out.
Remembering that life is short and it could end today.
Being brutally honest with yourself and others.
Acknowledging that you need help.
We all do.
I don’t know much. I’m always struggling to seek more truths. But I do know this:
When I am sad, life feels more raw. It feels scarier, but yet, that feels better.
I ate so slowly yesterday, savoring every bite, crafting a beautiful plate of food, and it was lovely.
Maybe this is why the Catholic Church had confessions.
Maybe this is why radical honesty is one of Alcoholics Anonymous’s twelve pillars of recovery.
Except now, we don’t need a Pope or a group to confess to.
We can be sad with ourselves whenever we want.
If we consistently do slightly hard things, we will always have something slightly painful to hold to, which, turns out, can actually feel good.
That uncomfortability comes from sinking into your body, remembering you are in this moment. Now.
It’s freaking painful to do so, I know, but of course it feels painful. Life is painful.
I’m a mess. You’re a mess. We all need help.
But in the end, rawness feels better than faking it.
And just when you are afraid you will never feel joy again
as you sink into the sadness in the moment,
a little spark will light up inside of you.
That spark is joy – more real than ever.
It’s softer than before, but yet lighter, gentler, and truer.
The spark will come back once you sink in.
I promise.
Ali Walks Around 